Thursday 3rd November 2005 took dose of Ibogaine
I was pretty nervous when it came to my journey.
I had sat down and written my intentions, which were only a few. I wanted to let go of my smoking addiction, my victim tendencies and my worries about the future. I also wanted to become more peaceful and joyous, instead of anxious and angry!
As the Ibogaine got into full swing, it took me a while to settle into the incredibly loud noise which bombarded my head, and the incredible spinning sensation. I seemed reluctant to let myself go mentally. I had a sense of wanting to get up and for it to stop, even though it hadn’t started, and I was very aware that I was in the room instead of letting myself go on the inner journey.
My visuals were sporadic, and chaotic, revealing many repeating patterns. It started of as everything being pink accompanied by the thundering sounds. Initially the visuals were streams and streams of non-sensical, crazy patterns which I watched helplessly trying to make some sort of clarity. I gathered from this that it was the chaotic repeating patterns of my personality which needed to be removed. Chaos clearing! And wow – there was a lot of chaos.
Dave also appeared and was with me as the film-strip cartoons of chaos ran over repeatedly in my mind and I moved amongst them. I vaguely remember Dave being with me for the beginning bits of the visuals. It was very comforting. Funny how the mind works…..he was wearing his workers purple fisherman pants and no t-shirt! I guess I must have seen him running around in them for the days leading up to my journey.
Dr Ibogaine appeared to me as a West Indian Rastafarian in a yellow and green t-shirt with a multitude of dread locks on his head. He had a distinct West Indian accent and proceeded to pull out files from the back of my brain which were entitled ‘Victim’ and ‘Fear’. File after file was being pulled out and thrown away.
At some point I felt very hungry.
It was about midday or so, and I hadn’t eaten since 4pm the previous day.
My stomach rumbled and rumbled! Eventually a visual appeared of my stomach holding up a sign post saying :
“I’m hungry!! FEED ME!!”
which I thought was very amusing!
At some point, I also mistook the hunger sensation for nausea. I mentally thought to myself “Oh no…what if I throw up?” when a voice from within called to me in an unmistakable West Indian Accent,
“There’s nothin’ in there, man. Yer stomach is empty! Now STOP WORRYING about it!”
So I did!
Those are the most memorable visuals. I must have fallen asleep or just not remember what I was seeing, because the next thing I knew is that I was asking Dave how long I had been under, and he had replied 4 hours.
It has been 3 weeks now, and I am experiencing the following:
o Peace. Yup - that once elusive feeling is very prominently there nowadays. (That is, except for when I get hacked off with the inefficiency of the Thai people, their non functional systems or the rubbish internet connection.) But generally, I feel very peaceful and even most of the time.
o Defense Mechanisms. It’s like I Have been stripped free of the Amanda ‘Persona’ and it has left behind ‘Amanda’. I don’t have all the ‘victim’ tendencies, thinking that everything being said to me is a personal attack. That has gone. I don’t immediately act out old defense patterns. In fact, I can’t even pin point what they were! I just know I am reacting differently. I feel different inside.
o Anguish and Turmoil: I used to have a lot of anger and turmoil, linked in with my old Victim Mentality. “Poor me – the world is a horrible, evil place functioning only to make me more miserable. Everyone is thinner/ prettier/ more successful/ happier/ kinder/ sweeter/ luckier than me.” All of that turmoil has pretty much gone and I am left with a more even temper.
o Smoking: So far so good. Yes, I still get a longing to spark up whenever I am emotionally rattled (ie: frustrated/ Angry/ Hurt/ Upset) but it has not been bad enough to want to become a smoker again. I haven’t even had a puff! I am a true non smoker which has made me very happy.
o Fears of the Future: I used to worry about the future all the time. “What if this situation happens? How will I cope with this? What decision should I make to be sure that everything I want to happen does happen? How do I control things in the future by worrying about them now!?” For the past 3 weeks, I don’t think about the future with fear attached. I am not sure how long it lasts, but I like it! The way I think now is this: The Universe supports me, and wants me to be happy, and manifest the things I think I deserve. Therefore, if I am happy and peaceful inside, with an understanding that things within my life will happen at a time and pace when they should, then I shall not get stressed anymore. The Universe of which I am an integral part, and it is of me, will help me and support me to manifest happiness. As long as I feel within me that I am worthy and deserving of true happiness, it will happen. So when I get to NZ, I will be able to see if my new mentality makes a difference to how I see things. It is very easy in Monte Vista to be free of stresses, so the proof of the peace pudding is in the Western Wellington world.
Now, I did blow my top and get frustrated about 3 days ago in Koh Samui, and also did my old trick of turning it all on myself and sitting in the anger/ frustration.
So I am by no means perfect!
But, I do feel generally a lot more peaceful, less anguished, little frustration or anger, less victim tendencies. I will be intrigued to see what happens when I leave the peace and tranquility of Monte Vista, and set about existing in Wellington, New Zealand again.
Will I still have the turmoil my mind has seemed hell bent on creating throughout most of my life, or have I been freed of that?
The best thing about feeling this sort of peace is that it is a much nicer place to be than in the turmoil and anger. If the feeling fades, then at least I know what it feels like and can attempt to maintain it.
I would like to do Ibogaine again. I am scared I will wake up and be all frought and anxious again, so I would like to have the treatment again to maintain and secure this sense of peace. I would also love to go into it unafraid and…well, lets face it, I want to really explore the visuals next time!! I think fear held me back, and perhaps I fell asleep due to resistance. Next time, I will be much more relaxed and enjoy the ride!
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