When I first heard about Ibogaine, it was in connection with spirituality and I was more than skeptical. I thought this Ibogaine plant medicine was just another excuse for people to get high, this time in the name of spirituality. There were stories around that Ibogaine had gotten people enlightened. Now, I have been on the spiritual path for most of my life and I have come across many techniques and people who promise enlightenment. I have also met many deeply disappointed spiritual seekers after spending years and years following a particular practice or teacher and finding themselves in their fifties with their ego still in their backpack. I dismissed it right away.
But my husband started to research it and came back with numerous reports of people having taken Ibogaine for drug interruption and describing their experience and the life changing effects it had on them and speaking of Ibogaine with great reverence. Most of the reports I found to be amazing to say the least. Over a period of several months we researched and evaluated our findings. At some point during the research phase I started becoming intrigued and feeling more and more that I wanted to find out for myself what Ibogaine can do. I was extremely scared though, because I had never been into drugs or alcohol and the loss of control was a very scary idea to me. It took me weeks to psychologically prepare myself for the event. I had chosen the last day of the annual Mother Divine festival according to the Hindu calendar hoping that millions of people praying to Mother Divine would propitiate a blessed atmosphere for my journey with the Ibogaine. I had also spent some time on clarifying my intention which was not so easy because I was not sure whether having an intention was actually important or not or whether I should just go into the experience as innocently as possible. In the end I did a little of both. My main intention was to loose my fear of death.
The day has arrived.
At 7.30 a.m. I took the Ibogaine HCl, 11mg per kg bodyweight, a light dose. A half hour before I had taken an anti-nausea pill. I had also done an enema to ensure that I would not have to deal with bowel movements at any time. I had had my last meal at 4 p.m. the day before.
For about an hour not much happened and I sat on the verandah with Norman staring into nature. I felt quite calm and surrendered. When I felt a change in my body sensation I laid down and closed my eyes. Almost immediately this questioning started to happen where I would look at many different concepts of mine that create my identity and dismiss them as: “this is not me, that is not me either.” I started experiencing a lot of fear at this point, because I realized that where I was going on this journey with Ibogaine I would not be able to take my ideas and concepts with me. I realized that even people are my concepts or my story. This caused me more fear. Because, if people were just my concepts, then I was truly alone. Then I realized on a very deep level what a teacher of mine always said: “when you realize that people are just your concept and you step out of their business (means stepping out of who you think they are), then you come back to yourself. My next thought was, if my husband, to who I am holding on to, is my concept, then what am I holding on to? Me? Who is this me or I? A concept? And if I am a concept, then where can we go from here? We cannot name it. Terminology is finite and words do not apply. We can only stop thinking and speaking and what is left is silence. At this point I realized that thoughts that form a concept create actual pain in my body. Up to this point I had still been relating all these thoughts and feelings to Norman. But now the experience became intensely physical. Before it was just been some energy waves in hands and arms. But now I felt flooded with an energy so physically intense that I held on to my husbands arms. I felt very afraid. I had to lie flat on my back. I badly wanted to move, but the slightest turn of the head did not agree with my stomach, so I decided to lay still. I lost the feeling of time during this phase. I could still speak though and I did. Later on I understood that the intense discomfort of the energy wave and the fear was caused because Ibogaine was increasing the vibrational rate of my body at a very high speed. Also Ibogaine pushed a lot of the excessive heat out of my body.
While the physical intensity was going on, I was still left with the question: “who am I?” and as my identities got stripped away, an intense fear was there, which was quite a surprise for me, because I had believed through most of my adult life that I was willing to shed my ego. In my inner vision I was looking at black space with orange yellowish particles moving around as if they were endless systems of stars and planets. I got no answer to my question though and I felt that perhaps the answer would come later.
At about 9 o’clock it started to rain. I could hear the electricity or vibration or frequency of the rain. In fact I could choose to experience the rain as particles or as energy. Norman asked me whether the noise of the tropical rain was too much and I told him: “Why shut something out that is.” A little later I asked for a little water, took it into my mouth and spat it out. I felt like I had to do this to reset a pattern that had started early in my childhood and caused me dehydration. At some point I got a picture of lots of junk rolling out of my mouth like lava stream of vomit, massive amounts of crap. And the physical sensation was highly intense and uncomfortable; I was afraid that I would get nauseous and end up vomiting. I tried to lie very still.
Some visuals started to happen, but mostly as in a negative photo and they did not seem to relate to me. I got one color visual of a blond Venus rising out of a shell in the sea waves. It looked a little bit like a cartoon. None of the visuals were frightening at all and it came to me that this was a small bonus of spending years of not watching violent movies, news reports on TV and instead living in nature, chanting holy mantras and occupying my mind with beautiful and uplifting thoughts and my daily activities centering around making my life and other peoples’ lives more beautiful and peaceful. We can turn everything into kindness and beauty, if that is where we put our attention. This is how we create our world. That recognition put a smile on my face. But, as I said; “no big deal”. Just a small bonus.
At some point I told Iboga: “let’s walk through this as friends.”
At 9.25 I was still dealing with my ideas and concepts, examining them. For example: if there can’t be a right or wrong, if everything is a personal experience. I am afraid of being alone- the biggest of all fears. That’s why I am afraid of death, because no 2 people do it together. Letting go and flowing with the journey is not easy for me. Letting go is not easy for me. I have to work at it. It embarrasses me.
9.40 I am watching my ego struggle. The intellect has an answer for everything. I told it to go and sleep. I have a fear of physical things as if they were bad.
10.10 Iboga appeared to me in the form of an alien that has gone into the plant. Iboga took my hand to walk with me and said: “I’ll even put my arm around you.” Strong boney creature from the grip of his arms around my shoulder, but felt completely benevolent and kind.
10.25 “let go and relax” was repeated like a mantra inside of me. Then I saw my ego in a casket, the lid was closed and the ego was dead. It looked like a tube. It might still try to toss and turn, but it was basically dead. I had turned on my side a while ago to alleviate the pain in my back and now I am moving around a lot, moving feels good. I don’t want to remain in any one position. I am still with the question: “what is the real me?” Then the answer comes that freedom is in the Now, always available, every moment. It is not a permanent state. In the meanwhile Norman has left and Dave took over. Dave asked me whether I enjoy body contact. I didn’t know what he meant and he told me that I had been rubbing my feet against each other for quite a while. For a while I don’t have any visuals, nor any internal noises/sounds. The physical intensity has eased off a bit. A few visuals, but nothing relating to me. Several times the head of a wolf appeared to me on the black screen behind my closed eyes. Still all the visuals were like negative photos. At some points I saw my parents and I realized that both of them were abandoned children. I felt that it had to do with the situation during the war, when they were little, the hardships their parents had to endure trying to keep them safe and alive. And then I realized that they who were abandoned children abandoned their children and so forth, through generations. Then I got a visual of perhaps my earliest experience of abandonment. I experienced myself as a baby and I saw this huge breast approach my face and this breast was my universe, my connection with one-ness, with everything. My mother had stopped breastfeeding me after 6 weeks when she went back to work. This was probably my oldest feeling of abandonment. I saw this like an observer without getting emotional about it, just understanding how things connect in the human psyche.
Dave asked me how my experience was so far and I said: “Fucking awesome.”
Every so often I felt a little bored or I wanted food, not really wanting to eat it of course, I knew better than that, just registering that my stomach was pretty empty. At some point I got a visual of a big wooden mouth that looked like a wooden box, falling shut. The message I got from this was clearly that sometimes it would be good to shut my big mouth. I also understood that the Iboga plant vibrates at a very high rate and that the Iboga spirit is highly intelligent and that the body needed to be prepared for the Ibogaine to do its job that’s why the ramping up of the vibratory level felt so uncomfortable in the beginning. Then I had another realization. When I was little I rejected things to make myself special. When we kids were offered something, I often rejected just to be different. And sure enough in my life I had always made sure that I was not like “the mob”. I instantly realized that that behavior did not go well with a healthy wealth consciousness and I was willing to let it go.
I also got a visual where I saw a girlfriend from my childhood who had chosen to disconnect from me when she had her first boyfriend. I had always believed that it was because of the jealousy of the boyfriend, but it appeared that she turned away from me because I was too dominant. I realized that as a child I did not know that I was dominant. I had no categories in which I could have placed myself or others. I felt a deep regret and I heard myself say internally: “I am so sorry” to her. Another girlfriend of mine with who I had grown apart over a period of years also appeared in my memory and I wondered whether she had felt me to be dominant at some point.
So far nothing that came up was painful for me to look at, probably due to the tremendous amount of work I had done on myself over the years. By now it was early afternoon and I had felt alright and at ease for already a while. I had sent my husband and Dave away because I was comfortable and I did not require constant company. At some point I had a vision regarding the Ibogaine. It told me that it can be used for healing, that infact it had massive healing abilities and that many more people had the chance to benefit from it if it was used for healing. Yes, it can be used for spiritual awakening, but it would reach more people through healing. I saw a big and architecturally very beautiful and impressive Building. It was a clinic and it was our clinic, at least 20 to 30 rooms in it, painted very beautifully in earth and terracotta colour tones. All corners and edges were rounded like you find it with adobe construction. It puzzled me, because I had never seen myself in the healing profession exclusively. I had always worked with emotional, mental and spiritual healing. Some physical healing of course occurs when emotions are being healed, but this clinic looked like a healing facility. And the thought occurred to me that I really don’t want to spend my life around physically sick people. I have quite the horror of hospitals and I luckily never had to check myself into one. Something did not match here. The next scene I saw was me, Norman and Dave sitting around a table sipping drinks from a straw. We were all very well dressed. Next to us in the pool was Kate, sticking her head out and conversing with us. And we were the owners of the estate and the owners of the clinic. And I wondered why we were not in the clinic working and the whole thing made no sense to me. If I own a clinic I will be in there working, but I do not even want to work with sick people. Then I saw a writing that said “Secundum Vitae” and I got even more puzzled. I focused on my buried Latin trying to figure out what that might mean. And I slowly derived that Secundum Vitae means “in help of life”, helping life. That was supposed to be the name of the clinic. And there I had the vision in its entirety. We were supposed to use Ibogaine for healing rather than for spiritual purposes (though one rarely comes without the other). It was about half hour later when it struck me why I was not in the clinic working. It was because I did not have to work myself any more. I had already done my job, the clinic was running smoothly without me being in there and ploughing through 12 hour days seven days a week. That recognition to me was like a joyful explosion of energy. My idea that I have to work very hard, all the time, was annihilated in my cells. A conditioning had dissolved. It truly felt like that to me. At that point I felt as if I was omniscient and omnipotent. I asked the Iboga what it is and it told me that it is a very high intelligence and that it works on the level of frequencies. It comes from a different local (Sanskrit word for “place” or “heaven”).It adjusts the frequencies in people thereby creating healing on many levels. It told me that it its frequency is projected into the Iboga plant by purely intending it to be there. I asked what its intention was and it said: ‘absolute harmony”. It also showed me its form as a mantra, very beautiful. Beauty and truth, truth and beauty, it is the same, Iboga helps to reach this understanding. I also understood that Iboga is doing its job, it does what is supposed to do. I was absolutely inspired by the vision and I knew that I would do everything I could to manifest it. I felt on purpose.
At some point I reconnected with my question from the beginning. It appeared to me that through the Iboga intelligence I connected with the main intelligence which holds everything in harmony, the solar systems, and the planets in their orbits. And I am just a drone doing my job efficiently the way I was designed. But if I am just a drone then what am I? I am a whole, together with everyone else. The whole universe is one organism and it vibrates and we together are what we call God. There is no separation; it is all the same thing. Particles appear and disappear – that is us. We come and go, it does not matter who we are, king or beggar. Maya is that we can go into so many different movies. Then I shift place, I am somewhere else. I am shown the universe; orange-yellow dots come and go. That is us and it is in complete harmony. We are not static particles. Together we are the mystery. Everything is an illusion.
Some information came to me on the topic of enlightenment and I got that the mainstream cannot understand enlightenment. Basically people vibrate at different frequencies and when some reach a frequency with a certain height then people call them enlightened and think that enlightened people experience the same state, but this is really not the case. They just vibrate at a height where most people cannot go and therefore to them they appear the same, but they are not, so throw the idea of enlightenment out the window. Higher and higher levels of frequencies, that is all there is. And Iboga take you to a higher level of frequencies and you can’t get back. That’s it. That is why I experienced some stomach discomfort in the beginning. Iboga changed my frequency and pushed the junk out.
Later in the afternoon Kate came to visit me and I told her my vision and she wrote it all down. Basically the rest of the day I just laid in my bed, also most of the night, not many visions, not much thinking, fairly comfortable. At some point during the night I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I felt very good, tired in the body as if I had climbed a mountain the day before. I felt very clear with no desire for caffeine at all, which is a big thing to me, because I have been caffeine addicted since I was a child. I felt clean, pristine and purified. I was very hungry. I ate a slice of home baked bread with butter and a soft boiled egg and I thought that I had never tasted anything so good. I did not even need the salt on the egg which was also a surprise to me, because I had found out years earlier when I was on a one month cleanse that forbid all salt, that that was even more difficult than not consuming caffeine.
It is 2 weeks later now. I enjoy not being caffeine addicted any more, I get up happy and easy in the morning, no feeling of drowsiness and wanting a cup of tea to be able to face the day. Some things have changed. I feel more in harmony, happier; seem to have less nervous energy. There is more ease between my husband and me. If something bothers me, it lets go of me quickly, within seconds or minutes. I do not have a lot of thinking going on, I am more relaxed, less driven to get things done. My mind does not go in negative spirals in situations where it would have in the past.
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